How to translate mood-killing words into mood-making words
- Fri, December 30 2011
- Filed under: Writing
I had lots of emails and comments in response to my post earlier this week on 18 mood-killing words to banish in 2012. The feedback fell into three categories:
1. Amen, agreed. Banish all jargon!
2. I mostly agree but what about when you’re addressing foundations or government?
3. Which words do I use instead?
Here is my response:
1. Thank you:)
2. I think words like “sustainable” and “indigenous” are terrible when you speak or write to the average person. They also should be banished from social media. For foundations and government grant proposals, your audience is already seriously addicted to jargon so using these words is permissible (though I would argue it’s still less powerful). As with all communications, it comes down to your audiences. You want to speak their language. For most donors, that would be plain English. For certain foundations, that might be foundationspeak.
3. In terms of which words to use instead, I had one reader (Sarah) ask me to translate a couple of jargon-ridden phrases. So here we go!
BEFORE
“The [name] is an accredited and internationally recognized college in rural [country] dedicated to serving the area’s most marginalized, indigenous population.”
Words that kill the mood: “recognized,” “rural,” “area,” “marginalized,” “indigenous” and “population.”
AFTER
“Our internationally acclaimed college in the countryside of [country] is devoted to giving an A+ education to local students who are poor in means but rich in potential.”
BEFORE
“We are grateful to you for your support—for helping young people in one of the poorest areas of South America become effective agents of social change and economic development.”
I’m not a fan of “effective agent of change” or “economic development.” Let’s breathe life into that impact!
AFTER
“Thank you. We are so grateful for your support. Because of you, a student like Isabella is going to a great school and turning into a determined leader. ‘I have changed what my future will be, and I’ve become a person who can change others’ futures too. Where we one had despair, we have hope. And where we once had struggle, we have opportunity. We have the [name of country] dream.’”
If you’re struggling with your translation, ask yourself this: Why do you do the work you do? Why do you care? You’ll start speaking a different language. And it’s the one that will truly connect with others.
Comments
Agreed that jargon will turn off many donors, but replacing it with platitudes isn’t a better solution. “Poor in means, but rich in potential,” “a determined leader,” phrases like these are essentially meaningless. Worse still, they are often symptomatic of organizations that cannot show meaningful results. It takes a determined leader to be the head of a military junta or embezzle a country’s wealth. Determined leadership is not a desired outcome in itself.
As in all persuasive writing, a good tip is to say it outloud to yourself. Imagine you’re saying it to your mother or a friend. If it sounds unnatural or strange, rewrite it. I can tell you didn’t do that here because you wrote “a A+ education.” If you had said it outloud, you at least would have written “an A+ education,” because your ear would have recognized that A+ begins with a vowel sound. And of course the best writing tip is to show actual impact. How were things before and how are they now? If you can’t show impact, you should question if you should be asking for more money at all.
Thanks for catching my typo on A+ (which I fixed). Since you don’t find these words work for you, I’d love to hear how you would rewrite these statements. What are your suggestions?
Sure, for the first one:
Before:
“The [name] is an accredited and internationally recognized college in rural [country] dedicated to serving the area’s most marginalized, indigenous population.”
After:
[Name] is a college in [State, Country]. Its [# of students] students come from rural areas and would otherwise have no access to education, healthcare, or other services. [Name] is fully-accredited in [Country] and has been recognized internationally for [reason] by [organization].
The second should totally be scrapped because it doesn’t even say what the organization does. What does it spend its money on and how? Without that information there’s no way to rewrite that statement.
I also am unsatisfied with the second “after” statement, which relies to heavily on getting just the perfect quote from the beneficiaries.
I agree with Tracey that it would be better to say specifically what the youth are doing as an “agent of change” is it starting a soccer team, helping other students with homework, advocating for youth rights?